Moving on

Moving on has never been the easiest thing to do. It differs from one individual to another. For me, it feels like taking forever. Sometimes I feel nothing, emotionless but in another time, I weep and cry. I lost so many wonderful love in just few years.

"You said move on, but where do I go?"

Easy for others to say, but not easy for me to do. After some time, that sadness turns anger, anger eventually turns nothing. I can no longer feel anything. That habit of me, I do when I feel nothing. At least it makes me feel like I'm alone. Stupid and crazy. What else a person like me with no friends and no mother, do to occupy myself? Sinful and yet not ready to die.

I've been wondering and asking God, why you make me feel like I'm such a useless and the most pathetic person on Earth while you make that person the most happy person with the most wonderful family, the very same person who hurts me more than anything else in this world.

Karma. No matter what religion you are, karma has always been a part of natural cycle of life. You make me cry, someday someone else will make you cry, or make your sister, daughter or niece cry right under your nose. I have started to smile again when natural karma has gotten to you, though not through the same heartbreak you gave me.

To forgive? It will be the last thing I would consider to do, not even in my last breath. To forget, over my dead soul!

Moving on from the loss of people I love and adore. I can never will. The memories shall live and never fade.

Unstable

Just like any other human being on this Earth, my patience, my waiting and my grief has its own limit. Been went through all the rough things in life alone and losing the only family member I love the most in this world have seem to cause me to be mentally unstable. Mood swing and bad temper.

Perhaps I have been grieving all alone and keep everything to myself. Or because the person I trust the most with my heart has turn his back on me at the time I need him the most.

I do everything I can and wanted, so that I will be able to be happy again. To feel happy and to truly being happy without pretending I am.

I have always been a strong girl. Well, I should replace the word 'girl' with 'lady'. I'm a strong lady. When he left my heart to million pieces, I remained calm and silent. I held my tears and told myself, I have to be strong, because at least I still have my Mama. Mama, Mak, Mother. She was my strength and motivation and inspiration for me to stay strong and focus on what comes ahead me. Being there by her side, I feel so much secure. Safe and protected. Well, that's what every mother does right? To protect her child.

Her death is a big loss to me. Huge and enormous. I still need her in my life. I am not ready to lose her. How can I survive living this world without her? And I truly believe she wouldn't want to leave me either. I love her so much, I love my mother so much. But trust me, MY MOTHER RAISED A TOUGH CHILD.

I miss you old friend

Remember how we used to chat via Yahoo Messenger or Facebook or Google Talk back then? Because smartphones are just something new and rare to us (i guess it's only me). No Whatsapp, Line, Wechat and so on.

Remember how you would love to write comments in my old blog. Oh my, we were both so young back then. How many years have passed and we're getting older. I just wish that as we were getting older, we will be able to rationalise and think critically about our future and what we wish to do in the future.

All in all, I miss you old friend! All the best..

Screen cap from my old blog..