This feelings

This feelings of mine,
undetermined and uncertainty,
haven't have the same feelings for the past 2 years,
how time flies, it's been 2 years,
yes 2 rough years.

But somehow this feelings come again,
come and struck me again.
Haven't feel this way since the last 2 years,
after my heart been broken and my feelings been betrayed.

Somehow again, I'm in doubt,
is this for real, or for fun?
For I know a heart matter is no fun matter,
without a heart no man can live. 

This feelings,
the very same feelings, struck again
after 2 rough years,
I pick myself up after he knocked me down,
and now someone else make me feel it again. 

Is this love?
or an act of moving on?
Is this true?
or something that lasts for only 5 seconds?
I'm in doubt,
for I fear twice my broken heart. 

-Haslina- 15.10.2016 

"Then butterflies, they come alive when I'm next to you"

Syawal 1437H

Dalam masa beberapa hari saja lagi, umat Islam di Malaysia dan juga negara lain di sekitar akan menyambut Syawal.

Bagi sesetengah orang, Syawal adalah waktu dan saat paling gembira. Seluruh keluarga dapat berkumpul bersama.

Bagi aku, hari pertama Syawal akan bakal aku lalui seperti hari-hari biasa. Tiada yang istimewa untuk disambut dengan meriah. Namun jauh disudut hati, aku teringinkan Syawal pada tahun ini sama istimewa seperti masa Mak masih ada. Belum cukup setahun Mak pergi tinggalkan aku. 16 Syawal 1436H tahun lalu. Masih segar diigatan.

Semoga dipermudahkan untuk aku lalui masa-masa sukar yang bakal mendatang.

Moving on

Moving on has never been the easiest thing to do. It differs from one individual to another. For me, it feels like taking forever. Sometimes I feel nothing, emotionless but in another time, I weep and cry. I lost so many wonderful love in just few years.

"You said move on, but where do I go?"

Easy for others to say, but not easy for me to do. After some time, that sadness turns anger, anger eventually turns nothing. I can no longer feel anything. That habit of me, I do when I feel nothing. At least it makes me feel like I'm alone. Stupid and crazy. What else a person like me with no friends and no mother, do to occupy myself? Sinful and yet not ready to die.

I've been wondering and asking God, why you make me feel like I'm such a useless and the most pathetic person on Earth while you make that person the most happy person with the most wonderful family, the very same person who hurts me more than anything else in this world.

Karma. No matter what religion you are, karma has always been a part of natural cycle of life. You make me cry, someday someone else will make you cry, or make your sister, daughter or niece cry right under your nose. I have started to smile again when natural karma has gotten to you, though not through the same heartbreak you gave me.

To forgive? It will be the last thing I would consider to do, not even in my last breath. To forget, over my dead soul!

Moving on from the loss of people I love and adore. I can never will. The memories shall live and never fade.